A moment ago sitting on the couch, I believe I had an experience that came from deep within my soul. How it came about…I don’t know. Why it came up…I don’t know. What I do know is that I had the feeling of being touched by the divine. Don’t ask me why or how this came about. I don’t know. I have thought about these experiences on numerous occasions. They have seemingly come due to the new experience I have been living with one eye. It has possibly come because, in my experience, losing my eye has opened the door to the fact that I am vulnerable and that I don’t have any power in the direction this takes me. I AM NOT IN CHARGE! Knowing this, I believe, has given me an awareness that 1) I am not in charge. 2) There is a higher power. 3) For some reason I am experiencing a deep, emotional sense of questioning why this is happening.
WHY is it that I am going through this? I have some sense as to why. Discovering I had cancer in my left eye; going through the trauma of carrying this knowledge; looking toward the future with a big question mark as to the certainty of what my future holds for me. Again, this experience has taught me that I am NOT 100% in control of my life. Accepting this truth brings the burden of what lies ahead. To me, it means I need to learn to ‘go with the flow’. This is psychologically a good approach however, it means I am not in control of many things in my life.
So, why is it that I periodically (like this mornings event) become very emotional…out of the blue…and find myself overwhelmed with feelings, emotions that brings tears to my eyes. What force is it that moves me in such a way? Is it because I am afraid yet don’t admit that I am? Is it that my future health is possibly in jeopardy? Is it because I have little control over what lies ahead for me? OR, is it because I am being touched by the Divine…that God is closer to me than ever before and it is just too overwhelming to be in the presence of the Divine. I don’t know!!! What I do know is that emotions that come flooding over me come from a place deep inside of me that I have never knew existed before. Is this what it feels like when the Divine is looking over me or has gently put His hand on my shoulder? It’s beyond my comprehension, but what I do know is that I have this feeling of being flooded over with love, that maybe I am getting a peek of what the Divine is all about…that rush of love that is so overwhelming that it brings one to tears.
As I sit here now, writing my feelings, I am overwhelmed with my eyes flushed with tears…WHY? I honestly believe it is that I feel the presence of something so powerful that it brings me to my knees…so to speak…and that Leaves me in a state of wonderment, of overwhelming love. I DON’T KNOW! What I do know is that this is happening to me and it is greater than me, thus I don’t have an explanation…thus the need for me to write about this experience.
Right now, as I finished this thought…this feeling is slowly drifting away, and as a result, whatever I write going forward is coming from my brain, not my heart. Good time to stop.